i'm sorry

I'm sorry. For not being able to do anything, for being so helpless, for not giving you the best.

-Joei

Realization

I have always wondered why some people can shirk away from responsibilities as easy as drinking a glass of water. Today it finally dawned onto me. It's caused by a simple word, "greed".

Greed derives from the darkest side of the human heart where only evil dwells. Some may think that this is not a real job at all and he/she shouldn't even be putting any effort into it, and at the end of the day, reap nothing.

I tend to procrastinate a lot in the past, okay, now too. However after serving in the NS for nearly 2 years, I realize one thing. The working attitude here becomes a habit, and it MIGHT be brought on to the next job in future, whether you like it or not. People also like to make use of the chance when their bosses are not around to slow down on their work. I admit i'm guilty of this too, BUT I think i can also say I changed. After the passing on of my grandmother, i realized something. Time is cruel, humor-less and merciless. I have to make and do the best out of everything, be it NS or some other things

I'm still afraid to do something though. I fear rejection, and that's what's slowing me down.

Well, i guess this is what makes life so darn interesting.

Till then~

-Joei

hi-sashibu-ri

Its been a while. Life's been pretty normal lately. This and that did happen, but they were all small. I'm still missing my grandmother. After a few months, i still cannot get over the fact that i'm never able to talk to her again.

Well, i guess it's no use harping over something which i have no control at all.

Yesterday, Eileen was telling me, she had a very bad 18th birthday. I asked her why, and her answer shocked the crap out of me. Okay i'm not gonna write it here, but i was traumatized after hearing it. I mean, how can a person with a mind do this. Okay maybe he's insane, BUT that does not escape the fact that she was not treated rightly. During this short period of knowing Eileen, my conclusion is, she's been very unlucky, i'm kinda sad about it. I mean, why must someone so sweet be treated like that. On another note, I LOVE talking to her =D I think she's super sweet.

Okay i really don't know what else to say.

Till i ORD

ching chao teh~

-Joei

i need to go... like seriously

i really hate to say this, but i really think it's time for me to go. This isn't nice to say, but i really am starting to hate the place where i'm working. People always say, "your office so slack!". Well, fuck you all. I dunno whether it's the time of the month or not, but my boss is seriously suffering from a heavy dosage of PMS( in case any retards don't know what PMS is, it stands for Post Menstrual Symptoms).

Hokkien calls it "lai ang"

Okay thats besides the point. The main point of this entry is for me to just spew out all the shit that i've been keeping to myself. First of all, my grandmother. It may seem long ago, since her passing on, but frankly speaking, i have not really got over it yet. At times, where ever and whenever, i'll just suddenly think of her. I really miss my grandmother a lot.

Then come to my work, okay it seems simple and easy, but not when you are being taken advantage off and even has to stand at the front line to shield everything. . I hate the fact that i get shit when i'm not the one who produced that pile of shit/s. I hate the fact that when i do everything and am not recognized for it, instead the recognition goes towards the rest. I hate the fact that i'm the "bad guy" who does nothing, when i think i'm covering the most.

Then, there's this problem with a girl. I just feel that it's really really hopeless if i choose to go on and try it out, so i shall just sit back and let it pass by me. I know i'm going to regret it, but i think this regret will be well worthed it.

Everything is meaningless to me right now. i'm numbed.

-Joei

lessons and more lessons to be learnt

I just saw this video clip, signs. Where it's about this guy who has a crush on some stranger who coincidentally works at the office building next to his. Well, before this, his life was a bore with the same routine everyday. Anyway, they started exchanging signs in the form of a paper with huge words on it. This went on for a few days until 1 day he wanted to pop the question "do you want to meet up?". However, he hesitated and did not do it. The next day, he finally got the courage and put up the sign, unfortunately, he was greeted by emptiness. It seems like someone has taken over her work space. His life "sorta" crumbled after that. The next day though, the lady caught his attention by reflecting the sun rays onto him, and she wrote that she got a promotion. after a few more exchange of signs, he finally popped the question, do you want to meet up?. She had a very simple answer, "thought you'ed never asked"

Well, the story ends with him meeting her at last.

A very cliche story, but i still liked it nonetheless.

This video kinda reflects what i'm doing now. I know things should be done quickly without hesitation, or there might be regrets later on.

But i still can't bring myself to do it, i have no confidence still. i told myself, i'll make the move next time, but i'll never ever do that, and i know it.

It's stupid and i jolly admit this.

There are too many differences i guess.

-Joei

losing battle

I have fallen into this trap yet again, but this time, i have decided to give up even before i want to try.

I know it may even be hopeless to try or rather THINK of trying, because i jolly well know it can never ever work the way i want it to be. Also, it's too early to decide anything. Fate is what i believe in, but not hoping for.

My mind is still very unsettled, still full with thoughts, some of them unnecessary. Actually, most of them are.

I daresay i am too thoughtful over every minute stuff, rendering me pressurized.

I think that i'm like, alone, without anybody to talk to.

Friends whom i thought i could confide and talk with, have left

sigh sigh sigh

-Joei

downward spiral

I think my grandmother was blessed enough to leave us peacefully. She will always be in me.

Been hyper busy last few weeks. Especially after my grandmother's situation got worse. I am really grateful towards STAFF and AO who gave me time off to visit my grandmother. The wake lasted 5 days, and i stayed up all night for that 5 days. It's seriously exhausting. It's finally over, but i still cannot grasp the fact that i cannot talk to my grandmother anymore. I wonder when i will finally breakdown.

-Joei

it's getting worst

I'm really just praying hard for my grandmother. I just can't seem to be of any help, except to pray hard. =(

I've been thinking a lot and i finally realize what is wrong. I'm rushing things too much. I thought i could handle it, but i always stop short at a point somehow or rather, and it suck. I really feel bad. I mean, I still feel, but i know i won't be able to commit wholeheartedly for now. I know i'm an asshole. Call me a wuss if it so makes u feel better. I'm pushing it too far and i think it's time to fall back a little. I really need to find my track first, if not i know i'll be letting you and myself down.

Take care~

-Joei

everything's going upside down

Seriously, i'm really wondering what the fuck is with people nowadays.

I really fucking hate organizing stuff because i know it will never ever go as planned, and again this proves to be right. I think helping in the chalet organizing will be my last i will ever do. I'm fucking.... no take that back, i'm WAY fucking pissed with people who ditch us the last minute. FUCKTARDS.

Asking people out for a simple meet-up can be such a fucking chore also. I swear i'll never help organize anything ever again.

work fucking suck big time.............

-Joei

super lame

I saw this thread in SGForum about this guy, nick-named "Devilplot", who claims he is a hero in Singapore, where he protects innocent girls from perverts, ranging from peeping tom, all the way to rapist. The so-called "true story" is uber funny i must say, here are some sample:

http://www.sgforums.com/forums/18/topics/298425

http://www.sgforums.com/forums/18/topics/299524

http://www.sgforums.com/forums/18/topics/299299

I was laughing all the way, and i must agree with one of the replies

"Such threads always appear when kids have nothing to do during school holidays and got alot of free time to fantasize"


HAHA

-Joei

dammit

Seriously... what the f**k is wrong nowadays.

I totally cant understand people anymore, and i'm getting sick of letting people get their way.

F**K YOU"LL

-Joei

in a dilemma

I feel real lousy. I just can't seem to let go, always get caught between my feelings and consciences

I don't know whether what i'm doing or what i'm going to do is right or wrong. HELL, i can't even differentiate right from wrong now.

I've waited for this for a long time, but i have this sudden nervous breakdown. I know i won;t be able to do it, but i just love to force myself for god knows why.

The thoughts of failure seem to plague me like some "T-Virus" or something along the same line. It never fails to make me "stone" and think about all these and other ways to escape this.

I just want to concentrate on something, just that one thing.

i need to.......

-Joei

eek

Ok fine.. i screwed up -.-

And i realize i have a few grammatical errors in my last post =x

Okay, from now on, everything will be with discretion.

I feel so crappy now, plus the fact that i was being stuuuupid.

I need heeeelp!!!!

-Joei

why is everybody getting so emo?

WOHOO... she's coming back!!! =D

Okay, my life so far alright, considering the fact that i just collected my diploma cert and this coming weekend could be fun =)

With a bonus fact that, Jasmine's coming back =D

I'm excited, yet nervous. How would i fare. Would it be another disappointment?

I've always tried to cut myself off all these sentiments, but i never was successful in it.

I was told that my life in future would be a good one if i could just concentrate on my studies (cliche). I'm hoping it's true though. I'm really doubtful about many things, such as the value of friendship.

I have this friend, whom to me was the easiest going person i've ever met, so much so that he does not seem to have a temper, but from what i can observe, it seems like he was taken for granted. Is it really NS's fault? He only began to change drastically this few months in which i am very disappointed in. I used to be able to ask him out without any trouble, but recently, all the answers that he gives are a standard "confirm with you on Friday"

I'm deeply disturbed by his change of attitude, for which i would always rethink the value of our friendship.

I always thought that i knew him inside out, but after this, the truth points towards the unknown

-Joei

depressed

I find life meaningless, i wanna die!!! my 2 favorite hokkien mee stalls are both gone!! Now i have nothing to look forward to, no goals, no more fighting spirit =(











-Joei

looking up to someone

I hate the fact that everybody's ORD-ing and i'm not. I hate the fact that i'm 21 and am liable for everything, including a trial and jail term. There are too many things i hate in this world. However, meeting people from all walks of life made me realize a lot of things. The fact that i hate seeing people ORD earlier than me is stupid, because we all serve the same amount of period. Being liable for everything makes me a more cautious person.

Just 5mins ago, i was talking to a good friend of mine who has already ORD-ed. He might be crappy and lame at times, but i think he's a great person, someone who is worth respecting.

This friend of mine, he might be rich, but is way too humble to admit it, which i personally think is a wonderful virtue. A smart person with a smart mouth who knows what to do and not to.

The reason behind me talking about this friend is because, after knowing him for a year plus, I get to know how to be a better person. His attitude as an RJC student is commendable. He does not harp on minutes matters like, having a girlfriend or having the latest phone, but is always looking for new ways to improve himself.

I, for that matter still look into stupid and time wasting problems which is totally regrettable.

Looking back, i found too many things which i need to learn to let go. The girl, whom i've always cared about, and a bunch of other stuff.

A little by little, i must try...~

-Joei

zzz

Whoa.. i'm taking back when i say it's the place.

My my... now i know what to do.

I think i should applaud myself for controlling so well. Never in my life, have i felt so ****. I don't know what word to use, so i shall just leave it up to the imagination of whoever is/will be reading.

I just found out that everything was covered by a veil of illusion, an illusion so well covered that if this hadn't happened, i wouldn't know it exists.

No, this cannot go on. I have to think of a way.

This is pure hatred. I'm finally feeling pure hatred.

Disgusting

-Joei

flashpoint

I thought i have totally forgotten about her, but the picture i saw started to haunt me again. I haven't seen her since the day i moved out and sadly, our paths never crossed. She was the first, she was the only girl who really knew me deep down, looking at her picture made me smile though. she seemed happy for which i'm truly happy. I chose not to contact her, because i knew if i did, i wouldn't be able to control myself, and i will ultimately hurt myself again. I swore to myself that i will not have these kind of sentiments ever again. I promised myself however, that i will never forget her. She will always be my best and only childhood friend. Deep down, i'm sure i can never ever look at her.

Swearing to the love and goodness of a lost part of my life, i have hurt myself deeply and is scarred forever.

She'll be missed dearly.

~~ Yue Li ~~

-Joei

it's getting kinda fun

Blogging is getting kinda fun now, and I don't know why......

There are times you look back at your past, be it with your friends or loved ones, and you will tell yourself "Been there, done that =)". Well, for me, it's different. I would always look back and tell myself that "why on earth did i do it?", even though most of the times, these things are good. I can never figure out myself. There are too many mysteries about myself which i'm afraid to find out. i've always wondered how i would be like when i finally cannot tolerate something and i "explode" with madness. I often shiver at the thought because i know things will happen, bad things. People around me would always say i'm more of the soft-spoken type, who has no temper/tantrum. However, the reason for this, i think it's because i have never showed any before, in my entire life, and i intend to keep it that way, but i wonder for how long. Frankly speaking, my resentment towards the place that i'm at now, is increasing by the day. I used to love this place, but due to many things that has happened in the past few months, i realized i do not belong to this place anymore. The people are nice, just that, i cannot bring myself to be a part of it, because i know everything will disappear in the end, and i want to be detached from that feeling, thus having this resentment most of the times.

Looking at the bright side, it's going to be over soon. True, i will miss everybody, but i will never miss the place, i know myself thus far.

Everything and everybody change, for the better or worse, it differs from everybody, but for me, it's all the same, unless i have the feeling of hurt and lost of trust.

That i will not say anything, but to slowly let go of you.

There's never happiness in anything forced.

-Joei

roar

I hate Sony Ericsson to the fucking max!

pissed

Everybody who came in contact with me today seriously pissed me off very badly. Till the extent of having the urge to wack someone up badly. I just wonder what on earth is wrong with everybody today (including me).

This year's valantine's day is by far my worst, which also includes "worst day of 2009 so far" category.

Everything just seem so wrong. Nothing's going smoothly. The dumb fuck taxi driver pissed me off the most today. A trip to Queenstown took 40 fucking mins and cost me 22 fucking bucks. Fucktards

-Joei

I needed to be someone different, so i changed. I realized how bad that was, so i changed back. I've been doing this for the past few years, and now, i'm not sure about myself, about my true identity, about my true sane mind.

It's valentine's day, a day for males to show their "gentlemanliness" towards their other significant half, and vice versa.

It's funny how people know things will be overpriced, yet they will still go ahead and buy them, just to impress the girl, and other onlooking couples.

On second thought, i should say i'm bemused by it.

Showing love and "extra" affection only during valentine's day? It simply disgusts me. I detest this sort of behavior.

Then again, lots of things never fails to irk me.

I spent the whole of Friday reading, and i found out that i love reading again =). Otherwise, it was an uneventful day.

I hate boot-licking people, but there are times, that is what is needed to ensure that i don't end up in shit, but i really dislike people who are too pompous/arrogant about themselves, about their own greatness. I just hate these people.

But then again, these are the people who induce competition spirit into others, which is rather good at times.

I've decided to stay at home on valentine's day... or should i go out with my parents?

Damn, lots of female friends i know are attached. DAMN

-Joei

random

i hate clubbing

~~

-Joei

getting use to things

It seems that i still can't get used to a lot of things, for example this blog. After 3 days with it, i thought i was able to grasp the "art" of blogging, but i was wrong. I am apparently still uber noob in it, so i think i shall not care about the layout and stuffs anymore and just concentrate on posting my happenings.

There are times, i wonder, who can i really call a friend. Don't get me wrong, but i really think i should re-evaluate who i trust and who i think will just be a passing facade in my life. I've met people who say they can be trusted and whatever they do, "it's for the good of you". However, after awhile, (sometimes too late unfortunately) you, or in this case, I will realize these are just people out to cheat you out of something, many a times, you/I will get hurt because of these things. The thin line that separates friends and acquaintance has eroded to such an extent that most people i know, must be treated with caution.

Needless to say, it's important to know what you are doing and to follow your heart where ever it leads you too.

-Joei

mysterious ways of thoughts

Looking through some photos from the past and i realized how much i miss those wonderful days, where nothing really mattered, except going to school and looking forward to soccer sessions either in between breaks or after lectures. I still keep in touch with "most" of them, but sad to say we are all individually busy.

BUT

I managed to meet up with 2 of my best buddies for a LAN session at Dohby Ghuat on Sunday. It was damn fun i daresay, and the girl at the counter, she is good looking ah-haha.

New topic:

Speaking of good looking girls, i have this friend who is really obsessed with getting a girlfriend. He laments about it every time we see him, or at least most of the time. He also likes to emphasize on the point about "girls liking bad guys" which i would only agree if the girl is 14yrs of age to 18-19 yrs old. He told me a few times that he would turn homosexual one fine day, which sets me thinking. Why is that the world's female population is higher than the male counterpart, but people still end up pitifully single?

well, for me, there is already someone whom to me is special and whom i'm willing to wait for... so yeah, this doesn't apply to me. I really do pity this friend of mine at times and wish that i could help him. He is a terrific friend to be with but he gets too demoralized and tend to degrade one self one too many. No matter what, i really hope he will find some one suitable for him one day. He deserves a nice girl, and i believe there is some one out there for him


I wonder what i will do this coming valentine's day~


-Joei

1st entry of my life

Everything has a first and this shall be my first. I used to say blogging are for sissies, up till now. Now i say, those who do not blog are sissies haha.

Just testing out this new thing. I think i may get bored of it sooner than later and let it rot to the depths of internet hell.

On a random note, i'm on MC today, and i finally rested well, really really sick and i think i shall get one more tomorrow just to be sure that i will recover fully without spreading it to the people of MINDEF =)

Take care'll

-joei