i'm sorry

I'm sorry. For not being able to do anything, for being so helpless, for not giving you the best.

-Joei

Realization

I have always wondered why some people can shirk away from responsibilities as easy as drinking a glass of water. Today it finally dawned onto me. It's caused by a simple word, "greed".

Greed derives from the darkest side of the human heart where only evil dwells. Some may think that this is not a real job at all and he/she shouldn't even be putting any effort into it, and at the end of the day, reap nothing.

I tend to procrastinate a lot in the past, okay, now too. However after serving in the NS for nearly 2 years, I realize one thing. The working attitude here becomes a habit, and it MIGHT be brought on to the next job in future, whether you like it or not. People also like to make use of the chance when their bosses are not around to slow down on their work. I admit i'm guilty of this too, BUT I think i can also say I changed. After the passing on of my grandmother, i realized something. Time is cruel, humor-less and merciless. I have to make and do the best out of everything, be it NS or some other things

I'm still afraid to do something though. I fear rejection, and that's what's slowing me down.

Well, i guess this is what makes life so darn interesting.

Till then~

-Joei

hi-sashibu-ri

Its been a while. Life's been pretty normal lately. This and that did happen, but they were all small. I'm still missing my grandmother. After a few months, i still cannot get over the fact that i'm never able to talk to her again.

Well, i guess it's no use harping over something which i have no control at all.

Yesterday, Eileen was telling me, she had a very bad 18th birthday. I asked her why, and her answer shocked the crap out of me. Okay i'm not gonna write it here, but i was traumatized after hearing it. I mean, how can a person with a mind do this. Okay maybe he's insane, BUT that does not escape the fact that she was not treated rightly. During this short period of knowing Eileen, my conclusion is, she's been very unlucky, i'm kinda sad about it. I mean, why must someone so sweet be treated like that. On another note, I LOVE talking to her =D I think she's super sweet.

Okay i really don't know what else to say.

Till i ORD

ching chao teh~

-Joei

i need to go... like seriously

i really hate to say this, but i really think it's time for me to go. This isn't nice to say, but i really am starting to hate the place where i'm working. People always say, "your office so slack!". Well, fuck you all. I dunno whether it's the time of the month or not, but my boss is seriously suffering from a heavy dosage of PMS( in case any retards don't know what PMS is, it stands for Post Menstrual Symptoms).

Hokkien calls it "lai ang"

Okay thats besides the point. The main point of this entry is for me to just spew out all the shit that i've been keeping to myself. First of all, my grandmother. It may seem long ago, since her passing on, but frankly speaking, i have not really got over it yet. At times, where ever and whenever, i'll just suddenly think of her. I really miss my grandmother a lot.

Then come to my work, okay it seems simple and easy, but not when you are being taken advantage off and even has to stand at the front line to shield everything. . I hate the fact that i get shit when i'm not the one who produced that pile of shit/s. I hate the fact that when i do everything and am not recognized for it, instead the recognition goes towards the rest. I hate the fact that i'm the "bad guy" who does nothing, when i think i'm covering the most.

Then, there's this problem with a girl. I just feel that it's really really hopeless if i choose to go on and try it out, so i shall just sit back and let it pass by me. I know i'm going to regret it, but i think this regret will be well worthed it.

Everything is meaningless to me right now. i'm numbed.

-Joei

lessons and more lessons to be learnt

I just saw this video clip, signs. Where it's about this guy who has a crush on some stranger who coincidentally works at the office building next to his. Well, before this, his life was a bore with the same routine everyday. Anyway, they started exchanging signs in the form of a paper with huge words on it. This went on for a few days until 1 day he wanted to pop the question "do you want to meet up?". However, he hesitated and did not do it. The next day, he finally got the courage and put up the sign, unfortunately, he was greeted by emptiness. It seems like someone has taken over her work space. His life "sorta" crumbled after that. The next day though, the lady caught his attention by reflecting the sun rays onto him, and she wrote that she got a promotion. after a few more exchange of signs, he finally popped the question, do you want to meet up?. She had a very simple answer, "thought you'ed never asked"

Well, the story ends with him meeting her at last.

A very cliche story, but i still liked it nonetheless.

This video kinda reflects what i'm doing now. I know things should be done quickly without hesitation, or there might be regrets later on.

But i still can't bring myself to do it, i have no confidence still. i told myself, i'll make the move next time, but i'll never ever do that, and i know it.

It's stupid and i jolly admit this.

There are too many differences i guess.

-Joei

losing battle

I have fallen into this trap yet again, but this time, i have decided to give up even before i want to try.

I know it may even be hopeless to try or rather THINK of trying, because i jolly well know it can never ever work the way i want it to be. Also, it's too early to decide anything. Fate is what i believe in, but not hoping for.

My mind is still very unsettled, still full with thoughts, some of them unnecessary. Actually, most of them are.

I daresay i am too thoughtful over every minute stuff, rendering me pressurized.

I think that i'm like, alone, without anybody to talk to.

Friends whom i thought i could confide and talk with, have left

sigh sigh sigh

-Joei

downward spiral

I think my grandmother was blessed enough to leave us peacefully. She will always be in me.

Been hyper busy last few weeks. Especially after my grandmother's situation got worse. I am really grateful towards STAFF and AO who gave me time off to visit my grandmother. The wake lasted 5 days, and i stayed up all night for that 5 days. It's seriously exhausting. It's finally over, but i still cannot grasp the fact that i cannot talk to my grandmother anymore. I wonder when i will finally breakdown.

-Joei