in a dilemma

I feel real lousy. I just can't seem to let go, always get caught between my feelings and consciences

I don't know whether what i'm doing or what i'm going to do is right or wrong. HELL, i can't even differentiate right from wrong now.

I've waited for this for a long time, but i have this sudden nervous breakdown. I know i won;t be able to do it, but i just love to force myself for god knows why.

The thoughts of failure seem to plague me like some "T-Virus" or something along the same line. It never fails to make me "stone" and think about all these and other ways to escape this.

I just want to concentrate on something, just that one thing.

i need to.......

-Joei

eek

Ok fine.. i screwed up -.-

And i realize i have a few grammatical errors in my last post =x

Okay, from now on, everything will be with discretion.

I feel so crappy now, plus the fact that i was being stuuuupid.

I need heeeelp!!!!

-Joei

why is everybody getting so emo?

WOHOO... she's coming back!!! =D

Okay, my life so far alright, considering the fact that i just collected my diploma cert and this coming weekend could be fun =)

With a bonus fact that, Jasmine's coming back =D

I'm excited, yet nervous. How would i fare. Would it be another disappointment?

I've always tried to cut myself off all these sentiments, but i never was successful in it.

I was told that my life in future would be a good one if i could just concentrate on my studies (cliche). I'm hoping it's true though. I'm really doubtful about many things, such as the value of friendship.

I have this friend, whom to me was the easiest going person i've ever met, so much so that he does not seem to have a temper, but from what i can observe, it seems like he was taken for granted. Is it really NS's fault? He only began to change drastically this few months in which i am very disappointed in. I used to be able to ask him out without any trouble, but recently, all the answers that he gives are a standard "confirm with you on Friday"

I'm deeply disturbed by his change of attitude, for which i would always rethink the value of our friendship.

I always thought that i knew him inside out, but after this, the truth points towards the unknown

-Joei

depressed

I find life meaningless, i wanna die!!! my 2 favorite hokkien mee stalls are both gone!! Now i have nothing to look forward to, no goals, no more fighting spirit =(











-Joei

looking up to someone

I hate the fact that everybody's ORD-ing and i'm not. I hate the fact that i'm 21 and am liable for everything, including a trial and jail term. There are too many things i hate in this world. However, meeting people from all walks of life made me realize a lot of things. The fact that i hate seeing people ORD earlier than me is stupid, because we all serve the same amount of period. Being liable for everything makes me a more cautious person.

Just 5mins ago, i was talking to a good friend of mine who has already ORD-ed. He might be crappy and lame at times, but i think he's a great person, someone who is worth respecting.

This friend of mine, he might be rich, but is way too humble to admit it, which i personally think is a wonderful virtue. A smart person with a smart mouth who knows what to do and not to.

The reason behind me talking about this friend is because, after knowing him for a year plus, I get to know how to be a better person. His attitude as an RJC student is commendable. He does not harp on minutes matters like, having a girlfriend or having the latest phone, but is always looking for new ways to improve himself.

I, for that matter still look into stupid and time wasting problems which is totally regrettable.

Looking back, i found too many things which i need to learn to let go. The girl, whom i've always cared about, and a bunch of other stuff.

A little by little, i must try...~

-Joei

zzz

Whoa.. i'm taking back when i say it's the place.

My my... now i know what to do.

I think i should applaud myself for controlling so well. Never in my life, have i felt so ****. I don't know what word to use, so i shall just leave it up to the imagination of whoever is/will be reading.

I just found out that everything was covered by a veil of illusion, an illusion so well covered that if this hadn't happened, i wouldn't know it exists.

No, this cannot go on. I have to think of a way.

This is pure hatred. I'm finally feeling pure hatred.

Disgusting

-Joei

flashpoint

I thought i have totally forgotten about her, but the picture i saw started to haunt me again. I haven't seen her since the day i moved out and sadly, our paths never crossed. She was the first, she was the only girl who really knew me deep down, looking at her picture made me smile though. she seemed happy for which i'm truly happy. I chose not to contact her, because i knew if i did, i wouldn't be able to control myself, and i will ultimately hurt myself again. I swore to myself that i will not have these kind of sentiments ever again. I promised myself however, that i will never forget her. She will always be my best and only childhood friend. Deep down, i'm sure i can never ever look at her.

Swearing to the love and goodness of a lost part of my life, i have hurt myself deeply and is scarred forever.

She'll be missed dearly.

~~ Yue Li ~~

-Joei

it's getting kinda fun

Blogging is getting kinda fun now, and I don't know why......

There are times you look back at your past, be it with your friends or loved ones, and you will tell yourself "Been there, done that =)". Well, for me, it's different. I would always look back and tell myself that "why on earth did i do it?", even though most of the times, these things are good. I can never figure out myself. There are too many mysteries about myself which i'm afraid to find out. i've always wondered how i would be like when i finally cannot tolerate something and i "explode" with madness. I often shiver at the thought because i know things will happen, bad things. People around me would always say i'm more of the soft-spoken type, who has no temper/tantrum. However, the reason for this, i think it's because i have never showed any before, in my entire life, and i intend to keep it that way, but i wonder for how long. Frankly speaking, my resentment towards the place that i'm at now, is increasing by the day. I used to love this place, but due to many things that has happened in the past few months, i realized i do not belong to this place anymore. The people are nice, just that, i cannot bring myself to be a part of it, because i know everything will disappear in the end, and i want to be detached from that feeling, thus having this resentment most of the times.

Looking at the bright side, it's going to be over soon. True, i will miss everybody, but i will never miss the place, i know myself thus far.

Everything and everybody change, for the better or worse, it differs from everybody, but for me, it's all the same, unless i have the feeling of hurt and lost of trust.

That i will not say anything, but to slowly let go of you.

There's never happiness in anything forced.

-Joei

roar

I hate Sony Ericsson to the fucking max!

pissed

Everybody who came in contact with me today seriously pissed me off very badly. Till the extent of having the urge to wack someone up badly. I just wonder what on earth is wrong with everybody today (including me).

This year's valantine's day is by far my worst, which also includes "worst day of 2009 so far" category.

Everything just seem so wrong. Nothing's going smoothly. The dumb fuck taxi driver pissed me off the most today. A trip to Queenstown took 40 fucking mins and cost me 22 fucking bucks. Fucktards

-Joei

I needed to be someone different, so i changed. I realized how bad that was, so i changed back. I've been doing this for the past few years, and now, i'm not sure about myself, about my true identity, about my true sane mind.

It's valentine's day, a day for males to show their "gentlemanliness" towards their other significant half, and vice versa.

It's funny how people know things will be overpriced, yet they will still go ahead and buy them, just to impress the girl, and other onlooking couples.

On second thought, i should say i'm bemused by it.

Showing love and "extra" affection only during valentine's day? It simply disgusts me. I detest this sort of behavior.

Then again, lots of things never fails to irk me.

I spent the whole of Friday reading, and i found out that i love reading again =). Otherwise, it was an uneventful day.

I hate boot-licking people, but there are times, that is what is needed to ensure that i don't end up in shit, but i really dislike people who are too pompous/arrogant about themselves, about their own greatness. I just hate these people.

But then again, these are the people who induce competition spirit into others, which is rather good at times.

I've decided to stay at home on valentine's day... or should i go out with my parents?

Damn, lots of female friends i know are attached. DAMN

-Joei

random

i hate clubbing

~~

-Joei

getting use to things

It seems that i still can't get used to a lot of things, for example this blog. After 3 days with it, i thought i was able to grasp the "art" of blogging, but i was wrong. I am apparently still uber noob in it, so i think i shall not care about the layout and stuffs anymore and just concentrate on posting my happenings.

There are times, i wonder, who can i really call a friend. Don't get me wrong, but i really think i should re-evaluate who i trust and who i think will just be a passing facade in my life. I've met people who say they can be trusted and whatever they do, "it's for the good of you". However, after awhile, (sometimes too late unfortunately) you, or in this case, I will realize these are just people out to cheat you out of something, many a times, you/I will get hurt because of these things. The thin line that separates friends and acquaintance has eroded to such an extent that most people i know, must be treated with caution.

Needless to say, it's important to know what you are doing and to follow your heart where ever it leads you too.

-Joei

mysterious ways of thoughts

Looking through some photos from the past and i realized how much i miss those wonderful days, where nothing really mattered, except going to school and looking forward to soccer sessions either in between breaks or after lectures. I still keep in touch with "most" of them, but sad to say we are all individually busy.

BUT

I managed to meet up with 2 of my best buddies for a LAN session at Dohby Ghuat on Sunday. It was damn fun i daresay, and the girl at the counter, she is good looking ah-haha.

New topic:

Speaking of good looking girls, i have this friend who is really obsessed with getting a girlfriend. He laments about it every time we see him, or at least most of the time. He also likes to emphasize on the point about "girls liking bad guys" which i would only agree if the girl is 14yrs of age to 18-19 yrs old. He told me a few times that he would turn homosexual one fine day, which sets me thinking. Why is that the world's female population is higher than the male counterpart, but people still end up pitifully single?

well, for me, there is already someone whom to me is special and whom i'm willing to wait for... so yeah, this doesn't apply to me. I really do pity this friend of mine at times and wish that i could help him. He is a terrific friend to be with but he gets too demoralized and tend to degrade one self one too many. No matter what, i really hope he will find some one suitable for him one day. He deserves a nice girl, and i believe there is some one out there for him


I wonder what i will do this coming valentine's day~


-Joei

1st entry of my life

Everything has a first and this shall be my first. I used to say blogging are for sissies, up till now. Now i say, those who do not blog are sissies haha.

Just testing out this new thing. I think i may get bored of it sooner than later and let it rot to the depths of internet hell.

On a random note, i'm on MC today, and i finally rested well, really really sick and i think i shall get one more tomorrow just to be sure that i will recover fully without spreading it to the people of MINDEF =)

Take care'll

-joei